What do you have to forgive yourself for?

Note: I’m writing the 30 Days of Truth topics, not necessarily in the next 30 days, but in at some point, eventually, I will get all 30 days done. Write with me! On your blog if you have one, in the comments here if you don’t or if you don’t want to put it on your blog.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This is a really difficult topic. I know what the answer is, but it’s going to be hard to write about without exposing some weird personal drama that probably no one cares about but I shouldn’t talk about either because it’s not just my story.

But let’s just say this: Business and people you love rarely mix. And letting other people handle your money usually isn’t a good idea.

And the worst part is when you know it’s a bad idea but you agree to it anyway because you don’t want to rock the boat and upset the people you love.

And sometimes when you do agree to something you don’t want in order to keep the peace, the outcome turns out to be far more upsetting for people you love even more than the people you love that you initally weren’t trying to upset.

And as someone who knew better going into it, it’s hard not to kick yourself and wish you could take it back and relive that day over and over in your head when you had a lightbulb moment that you and your loved ones were walking into a trap and you could stop it but not without upsetting a great number of people who were also your loved ones.

And to this day my mind goes back to that moment, standing on a street in the mountains having a conversation with her and seeing her eyes widen as she realized she’d tipped her hand and told me far more than she’d intended. And I knew then that I could stop this whole madness from happening to me – and the people I love the most. But I didn’t. And then the people I love the most ended up getting hurt – and not just financially. Money is money and who cares. But some of them have been ruined emotionally. Relationships have been tattered and broken and they are fixable but not easily and this was all supposed to be so good in the beginning but now it’s not. 

And I want to go back to that day in the mountains and do it differently. I want to tell her no. I want to stand up to her and tell her to take her little plan and shove it up her ass. And I know she would have hated me but I would have saved the people that I love even more than the people I did save by not speaking up.

And the headache continues and I know it’s not my fault that it started but in a way it’s my fault by not stopping it before it started. And I don’t forgive myself because I should have known best and I did know best but no one would listen to me and I was scared to take a stand.

So, that’s that. This probably made no sense and I’m sorry for that – I’d explain it better if I could but it’s not just me I’d be talking about. But thanks for listening anyway – that part means a lot.