No sex. No chasing the dog. No future talk.

So today is the big day: Today is the day I bundle up in the warmest, lightest-weight clothes I have and go sleep in the woods. In the winter. Like a crazy person or a hobo although I am neither (the crazy person part is arguable.)

Breanna tries on her Adventuredog pack from REI.
Breanna tries on her Adventuredog pack from REI.

My fellow crazy persons in crime turned out to be as follows: Jeff, Kevin, and Chris. We could not convince or sucker anyone else into going. Oh, and I can’t forget Breanna and Althea the dogs, but they don’t get much of a choice.

According to Elwood, who is a horror movie expert, this group is a good thing (for me, anyway). He gives the following advice:

= One girl always survives the scary movies in the woods. Since I am the only girl, I will definitely make it.
= I should avoid abandoned structures (there are no structures at all where we’re going, so not a problem), avoid talk of the future, and avoid sex if I don’t want to get chased by a crazy man with a chainsaw.
= It’s good no B-list celebrities are going with us because they would certainly die.

Heather adds:

= “Don’t go off by yourself and if the dog freaks out, DON’T go investigate it!”

Jeff is a former Marine and Kevin is an avid camper, and Chris does not seem to be nearly as worried about this cold thing as I am. But when Jeff sent out this morning’s forecast earlier, I shivered just reading it:

Current conditions at MITC as of Friday, February 20th, 2009 @ 6:02 AM EST (4 hrs ago)
Temperature:1.2 °F (-17.1 °C)
Dew point:calculated at -3.2 °F (-19.6 °C)       Relative humidity: 81%
Wind:West (285°) at 42 mph with gusts of 49 mph
Pressure:796.8 mb (23.53 inHg) station pressure

What’s this 1 degree mess? I told the boys I’m defaulting to them about whether we go, but they better be prepared to hear “I’m so cold” about 500 times this weekend if we indeed go through with it!

Only one of my dogs is going because the other one might be a handful on any icy trails. But with their water freezing over in Charlotte, I’m not sure what we’ll do with him since the petsitter would only check on him once a day and that’s not enough to make sure he has water he can drink. And that’s in Charlotte.

Chris assures me he’s bringing a blanket (a blanket which I’ve slept under and woken up sweating; warm doesn’t even begin to describe it), and Jeff says we’ll have the petsitter come twice a day. Chris bought some coffee for the occasion and I have my new filter that works in a Nalgene bottle. We’ll have lots of fire and Breanna will sleep with me in the 0 degree sleeping bag.

Although if they ask me again, I might suggest setting up the tent in the living room … too bad we have a gas fireplace.  I guess that would be difficult to roast marshmallows in, huh?

Meantime, I’ll keep repeating Elwood and Heather’s advice: No sex. No abandoned structures. No future talk. No chasing the dog. Check.



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12 responses to “No sex. No chasing the dog. No future talk.”

  1. Elwood Avatar

    Have a great time, Melissa! Just follow the rules and everything will be fine. 🙂

    Last blog post from Elwood – Friday Funnies: Goddamned Ass-Backward as Fuck

  2. Chris Avatar

    1 is the coldest number. 0, at least, has a blanket. Like a little eskimo or something.
    I’m looking forward to this trip. We’ll bundle up next to the fire and make piping hot coffee. I’m both happy and proud to be the accompanying barista.

    Last blog post from Chris – Let’s keep warm and fight this creeping cold

  3. Whitney Avatar

    Good luck! I’m completely in awe of your hiking / camping dedication. I love to hike, but I’m a fair-weather hiker.

    BTW – is Breanna reliable enough to just run along beside you no leash? I’m always amazed when people have pooches that don’t want to chase every little piece of wildlife available. Magnolia is an excellent squirrel hunter (despite the fact that she’s a Dalmatian and shouldn’t really have any instinct for that sort of thing). If I ever took her hiking without an industrial strength leash I think that the common grey squirrel might enter the endangered species list. AND I’d never see my dog again.

    Last blog post from Whitney – Individually Collective Blogging: On the Absence of Regret

  4. Darren Avatar

    Forgive me for being blunt… ya’ll are nuckin-futz!!

    That’s cold, no matter how many blankets (or dogs) you have.

    At least the sex would have kept you warm, but that’s out ;P

  5. Amy Avatar

    I can not believe you guys are doing this. Sounds WAY too cold for my taste.

    Last blog post from Amy – Victim of OCD

  6. Kevin Avatar

    Well, I may be crazy, but I am very excited to be going! It won’t be the first time I freeze my ass of in a tent, and it won’t be the last!

    I am glad Melissa, Jeff and Chris are excited too! But I am a little worried about your theory, Melissa. When it says that only one girl survives, do they mean female humans? Remember that we are bringing two female canines.

    You are one of three…

  7. Chris Avatar

    By the way, this coffee smells amazing. Let’s hope we don’t have any caffeine addicted bears out there, or I’m done for 😉

    Last blog post from Chris – Let’s keep warm and fight this creeping cold

  8. Jeffrey Avatar

    Elwood and Heather, thanks for nothing. Really.

  9. Lindsey G. Avatar

    We went camping the last weekend of October last year. It was probably in the 30’s-40’s at night at that point. We slept on an air mattress with a quilt, a down comforter, a sheet, two people and a dog. We FROZE!!!!!
    Good luck! And for god’s sake don’t send us a close-up video of your runny nose telling about how scared you are! 😛

  10. Katie Avatar

    Have fun guys!! I ‘ll be thinking of you from my cozy warm bed! 🙂

  11. Heather Avatar

    @Jeff All *I* said was don’t go off by yourself & listen to the dog. Place your ire where it belongs, there buddy-o!
    Oh, and I guess I did end up declining the invitation to suffer along with you, but really, you should thank me for that as it simply ensures your wife’s survival!

    Last blog post from Heather – What’s Your Safe-Word? A Choose Your Own Adventure Story

  12. Judy Avatar

    Although I like the idea of camping and hiking, I’m afraid that my idea of roughing it is in a 24 foot camper that’s off the ground and has heat, air and water…. Hope you had a wonderful time and that you come back with no frostbitten body parts.